December 2018 was a great time for me. Bumblebee and Into the Spider-Verse came out, catering to me specifically. I love both movies to death and have seen them a million times.
The monkey’s paw really curled this time folks.
December 2019 was an evil, evil time for big movies. Both Star Wars and Cats were evil films in very different ways. RoS was a soulless attempt to please every Star Wars fan while doing the opposite, and Cats was a nightmare conjured by the devil himself. Both films have plots that make no sense. Shit really just happens in these movies, and you’re just supposed to go along with it. Well sir, I did NOT go along with it. It was really weird that Palpatine came back to life with no explanantion and wanted to go to the Heaviside Layer. Oh wait, I’m mixing the two films up again.
Oh no….
Seriously though, they don’t explain how Palpatine came back. God I hate Rise of Skywalker. I don’t wanna talk about Star Wars anymore. I wanna talk about Cats.
So I went to see Cats with my pal Hazel. We had been out all day, walking around and making fun of George Lucas. My backpack broke for no reason and my feet hurt, but I was excited to have my brain melted. When it was finally time to experience Cats, we went in the theater and watched like 3 or 4 trailers until–
WEE WOO WEE WOO EVACUATE THE BUILDING
And we had just gotten to the Dolittle trailer too. Dammit, how could this have happened! Anyways, we stood outside the AMC for like 20 minutes and then the security guard let us back in. So we go to our seats and the theater people just left us in darkness for like an hour. No previews, no commercials, no lights, just total darkness. The group in front of us were playing charades. I spilled fuit gummy all over myself. This was hell.
Then, FINALLY, the projector turned on and played the main attraction. CATS, BABY!! The film was a series of nightmarish nonsense words spoken in varying levels of fake to real british accents. We got the unfinished version, so there were a lot of skin tones that weren’t intended to be seen. Rebel Wilson trained rats and cockroaches to dance. Taylor Swift was there. Idris Elba was naked but not in the way we all want. Jason Derulo sings with no introduction. This movie was too fucking horny. Judi Dench talks directly into the camera for 5 minutes and then the movie ends.
Not gonna lie though, there were some bangers.
10/10 perfect nightmare.
After all that, the main exit was locked because the theater was closed, so we went down the emergency exit. Hazel tried to open the door to leave but accidentally hit something. It was a homeless person sleeping in front of the door. The fucker did not budge, so they were either out like a light or dead. That didn’t cross our minds though; we just saw Cats and needed to go home ASAP. So we stepped over the potential corpse and went home.
The moral of the story is go watch Cats instead of Rise of Skywalker. It’s a good time.
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