Rex

cw- animal death

I knew Rex was going to die soon. He was 14 years old and he was in pain. He wasn’t a huge dog, but definitely big enough for his lifespan to be impressive.

But he was in pain. All the time. In a way I was lucky; I went to school a few cities away, so I didn’t experience the pain. In a way, my memories of Rex are untainted. “Untainted” might be a strong word, actually. What I meant was, my memories of him are happier. I remember him jumping for joy when he saw me, or anyone for that matter…

But mostly me.

Rex was my dog. We all took care of him and loved him to death, but him and I had something special. I picked him out at the adoption center in the 2nd grade. Even when I was at school, whether it was across the street or in a whole other city, he would sleep outside my room. My parents say that he was a different dog around me. My mom even said, “It almost pisses me off to see him like that,” in reference to his enthusiasm around me in his final week. And I get that. When he’s running around and barking it’s easy to forget that he’s 14 years old and has chronic pain.

But then you see him wandering aimlessly around the house. He was confused, tired, and hurting. In a way, I’m glad we put him down. It’s better for him to go peacefully than painfully. It’s better than receiving a call from one of your parents, barely holding back tears, telling you that you missed your dog’s death. It was a thought that haunted me for a while. I hate to say it, but it’s a relief that it’s over.

Now I have the memory of holding him as he went. When you’re holding his head and on the verge of crying, it’s hard to tell when he stops breathing. At some point, my heart beat blended with his, so I didn’t notice it fade away. Looking at his lifeless body was surreal; it looked like he was laying down as usual, but seeing he wasn’t breathing was upsetting. It was a perversion of a reality I was so used to.

I wish I could’ve shed more tears for you Rex. It’s not that I’m not sad or I don’t miss you. Honestly, I don’t know why my eyes didn’t get more than a bit watery. It’s not that I didn’t want to cry. I did when my dad told me it we had to put you down, I did every time I saw you, and God knows I did when I was holding you in your final moments. Something in my body just doesn’t want me to cry.

And I’m sorry for being such a pain in the ass sometimes. I didn’t know how to handle myself for a long time, let alone a dog. It was dumb of me to get frustrated with you as a kid. I know I never hit you or abused you, but I could’ve been better. But in these last few years, since the big move, I’ve gotten better at being me, and I have been better to you. I finally started to truly appreciate you. I gave you all the love I could, but it still wasn’t all the love you deserved.

I think I’ll be okay Rex. You know I’m good at moving forward. I’ll never forget you though, and I’ll never stop loving you. Say hi to Shaggy, Tabby, and Sassy for me, ok?